I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
You Might Also Like
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.