I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.