I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.