I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
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If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
time for some seasonal decor
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!