I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Big Sex has us all fooled
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.