I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
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Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*