I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
You Might Also Like
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
excuse me
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.