I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
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People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The happy life.. 😊
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.