I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
You Might Also Like
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Sing it!
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage