I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
R.I.P.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
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In love:
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Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?