I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this