I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
😅🤣😂
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Sticker placement is key.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Tough love is true love
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.