I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
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inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Admin smashed it 😂