I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
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If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.