I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
You Might Also Like
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.