I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.