I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
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HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.