@bea_ker
@CornOnTheGoblin [flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
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@CornOnTheGoblin 
@Fun_Beard How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
@rmfnord If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
@KyleMakesStufUp Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
@jonnysun ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
@daemonic3 WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
@ItsAndyRyan Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
@fillthevacuum The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
@Tmoney68 *playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
@House_Feminist god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce