I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming