I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
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I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..