I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

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[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd


So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.


me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”


[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat


Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.


[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle


Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??


there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911