@caribbeankris

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

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@Tmoney68

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

@rhysjamesy

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

@jpbrammer

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

@whatsJo

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

@Izianikapani

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

@stevevsninjas

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

@River_Niles

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911