I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
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Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be