I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
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DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
whatcha thinkin bout
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.