I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
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me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
79.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Everyone’s family
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit