“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores