I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Um … Hot Wings please
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
My wedding will be open casket.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol