I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Just got to our Airbnb!
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”