“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅