I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Seems a bit forward
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
me 2 months after i graduated
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes