You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
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I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2