@staticmess

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

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@bazecraze

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

@eXentRic_

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

@simoncholland

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

@evildadatron

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

@DickKingSmith

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

@MedusaOusa

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

@AnkCoupleTO

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

@mdowd

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2