I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
sounds kinky. i’m in.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.