I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.