I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.