I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
😂😂
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I have never related to anyone more.
“No way.” -Jose
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”