I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
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I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.