I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
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*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.