@TheAlexNevil

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

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@brunopieroni

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

@dumbbeezie

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

@IamPhartacus

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

@Fred_Delicious

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

@aundreyamarie

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.