“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
nyc:
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!