I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves