I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.