I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share