I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
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Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.