I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
You Might Also Like
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.