I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

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-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.


The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.


I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”


I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.


When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.


Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.


Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.


Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.


[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.


“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.