I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Thursday Thought.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.