I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

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The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.


GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.


Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages


me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.


*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.


(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)


Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it


what the signs deserve in 2019:

Aries: peace
Taurus: rest
Gemini: happiness
Cancer: love
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople