The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*finally touches toes*
WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
what the signs deserve in 2019:
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople