I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
You Might Also Like
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.