I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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Just how popey was the pope today?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
The only equipped I am is ill.