I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
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Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.