I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
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so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.