I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
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Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Bike for sale
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Sign of the day..
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?