I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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One venti cheeseburger please.
kids play hide and seek like
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
The Friday File.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.