@MNateShyamalan forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
@LackOfShame I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
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@MNateShyamalan 
@Dishasatra Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
@TheBoydP Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
@Dawn_M_ Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
@VampireIguana *flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
@jarry [commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
@dshack8 Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
@TheTweetOfGod My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
@KeetPotato [my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
@JJSummertime You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?