@LackOfShame

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

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@MNateShyamalan

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

@Dishasatra

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

@TheBoydP

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

@Dawn_M_

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

@VampireIguana

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

@jarry

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

@TheTweetOfGod

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

@KeetPotato

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]