I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.