I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
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When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.