
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I missed you with all my darts
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*orders delivery*
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!