@sami_stacks

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

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@KeetPotato

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

@Ideal_Victoria

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

@JKNenagh

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

@Lottie_Poppie

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

@squirrel74wkgn

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

@ohcomelyx

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

@Keys_To_Me

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!