‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

You Might Also Like


me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda


A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.


I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.


There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t



[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]


What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉


WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen


15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!