@sami_stacks
@KeetPotato me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
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@KeetPotato 
@Ideal_Victoria A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
@ndiquote I missed you with all my darts
@JKNenagh I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
@Lottie_Poppie There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
@squirrel74wkgn SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
@ohcomelyx What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
@Smooheed *orders delivery*
@dafloydsta WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
@Keys_To_Me 15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!