@sami_stacks

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

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@ITomHorvat

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

@robin_991

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

@HoneyWooWoo

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

@junejuly12

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

@Tbone7219

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

@goldengateblond

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

@barbhaynes

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

@MarfSalvador

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING