@sami_stacks
@ITomHorvat When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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@ITomHorvat 
@robin_991 Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
@HoneyWooWoo *at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
@junejuly12 [Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
@Tbone7219 The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
@goldengateblond Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
@ShipInTheKnight Funny women are smart. Be careful.
@aimeevc1970 I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
@barbhaynes OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
@MarfSalvador Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING