‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
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Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
mood
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
This chloroform smells expensiv…
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to